I’ve always been a fan of the Aussies.
What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party?
They’re both out looking for a tight seal.
A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.
The barman says, “sorry we don’t serve snails” and throws him out.
A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says,”What did you do that for!?”
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again.
Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a beer and after drinking it he looks into his pocket.
The man responded, ” I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i’ll go home.”
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again but fell face first into the mud.
“Screw it,” he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.
“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly. “How did you know?”
“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.
“Did you know,” says the cop, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
(Please do NOT drink and drive…that part isn’t funny. Just the noisy spouse…that part’s funny.)
A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says “You know… we have a drink named after you.” To which the grasshopper replies, “You have a drink named Bob?”
(That’s what he gets for going to T.G.I.Friday’s…)
A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says “That’ll be eight bucks.”
As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds, “You know… we don’t get many gorillas in here.”
To which the gorilla replies, “At eight bucks a beer, it’s no wonder…”
This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer. So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down.
The bartender says, “Hey, buddy whats your hurry?”
The man says, “If you had what I have, you would do the same thing.”
The bartender backs up and says, “What do you have?”
The man says, “About 75 cents!”
(I think I remember this guy from my bartending days.)
Four guys are sitting in a bar. One leaves to go to the bathroom. There are three guys left.
The guys start talking about their sons.
First guy says “I thought my son was going to be a dissapointment. He started out sweeping floors for Supercuts, But then he graduated from Stanford and became the owner of a car dealership and gives his best friend a free car for his birthday.”
Second guy says, “Yeah, I thought my son would be a dissapointment, too. It was almost the same exact thing that happened to my son to yours except he swept floors for a stock-broking company. Soon, however, he became the owner of that company and got his friend $100,000 in stock money for his birthday.”
Third guy says, “Wow, that was the same thing that happened to my son except he swept floors for a real estate agent. But soon he became the owner of this place and gave his best friend a house for his birthday.”
The fourth guy comes back from the bathroom.
The guys explain the the other guy what they were talking about and askes him if he could tell about his son. He agrees. “Well, my son is a real disappointment to me. He works as a hair dresser and has for fifeteen years. He is also gay and has several boyfriends. Well, I look on the bright side, from his boyfriends he got a new house, a new car and $100,000 in stock money.”
(Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol’ time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous.
“What do we do with our beers? We’re in trouble!”
“No,” the driver says, “just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking.”
So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick ’em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, “You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?”
The driver says, “Oh, no officer,” and points to his forehead, “we’re on the patch, trying to quit.”
(Still don’t recommend that anyone drink and drive. Take a cab, call a friend or use a designated driver!)
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says “You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants”
The pirate replies “Ay, it’s drivin’ me nuts.”
At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.
The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, “Midnight, just like I said.”
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, “Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said ‘Shit!,’ cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling.”
Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going idiot! Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat!”
A pig walks into the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer. He drank it all then asked the bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender replies “down the hall and to the left”.
Another pig walks into the bar and orders 2 pitchers of beer. He finishes them off and then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies “down the hall and to the left”.
Another pig walks into the bar and orders 3 pitchers of beer. Finishing them off he was just going to stand up when the bartender asks him “well aren’t you going to ask where the bathroom is?” The pig replies ” no, i am going to go wee wee wee all the way home.”
Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn’t paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man’s death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, “I’m sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned.”
She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, “Tell me, did he suffer?”
“I don’t think so,” said the foreman: “He got out three times to go to the men’s room.
We’re not practicing medicine here, but…
Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of a empty glass.
Action: Find some to buy you another beer.
Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day’s work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joe’s curiosity got the best of him.
He leaned over to the guy and said, “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?”
The man replied, “There’s a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin’ good, I’m headin’ home!”
Beer Drinking Test
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman. The Texan says “Yup” and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?” The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”