I’ve always been a fan of the Aussies.
What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party?
They’re both out looking for a tight seal.
A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.
The barman says, “sorry we don’t serve snails” and throws him out.
A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says,”What did you do that for!?”
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again.
Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a beer and after drinking it he looks into his pocket.
The man responded, ” I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i’ll go home.”
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again but fell face first into the mud.
“Screw it,” he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.
“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly. “How did you know?”
“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”
Lady: Do you drink beer?
Lady: How many beers do you drink in an average day?
Man: I dunno. Usually about 3.
Lady: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: About $5 with a tip
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: At least 20 years, I suppose
Lady: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be $5400 correct?
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Lady: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Hmmm. Well, do you drink beer?
Man: Where’s your f***ing Ferrari then?
“Winston, you’re drunk!”
“And you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober.”
– allegedly Winston Churchill to MP Bessie Braddock.
The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar. It was tense.
I thought I would pass on some investing advice in these tough times.
If you had purchased $1000 in AIG stock a year ago, you’d have $42 left today. With Lehman, you’d have $6.60 left. With Fannie or Freddie, you’d have less that $5 remaining.
But if you purchased $1000 worth of beer a year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in all the aluminum cans for recycling value, you’d have $214.
Based on the above, your best strategy is to drink heavily and recycle.
(Of course, Snopes takes all the fun out of that last one!)
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.
“Did you know,” says the cop, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
(Please do NOT drink and drive…that part isn’t funny. Just the noisy spouse…that part’s funny.)
A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says “You know… we have a drink named after you.” To which the grasshopper replies, “You have a drink named Bob?”
(That’s what he gets for going to T.G.I.Friday’s…)
A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says “That’ll be eight bucks.”
As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds, “You know… we don’t get many gorillas in here.”
To which the gorilla replies, “At eight bucks a beer, it’s no wonder…”
This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer. So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down.
The bartender says, “Hey, buddy whats your hurry?”
The man says, “If you had what I have, you would do the same thing.”
The bartender backs up and says, “What do you have?”
The man says, “About 75 cents!”
(I think I remember this guy from my bartending days.)
Four guys are sitting in a bar. One leaves to go to the bathroom. There are three guys left.
The guys start talking about their sons.
First guy says “I thought my son was going to be a dissapointment. He started out sweeping floors for Supercuts, But then he graduated from Stanford and became the owner of a car dealership and gives his best friend a free car for his birthday.”
Second guy says, “Yeah, I thought my son would be a dissapointment, too. It was almost the same exact thing that happened to my son to yours except he swept floors for a stock-broking company. Soon, however, he became the owner of that company and got his friend $100,000 in stock money for his birthday.”
Third guy says, “Wow, that was the same thing that happened to my son except he swept floors for a real estate agent. But soon he became the owner of this place and gave his best friend a house for his birthday.”
The fourth guy comes back from the bathroom.
The guys explain the the other guy what they were talking about and askes him if he could tell about his son. He agrees. “Well, my son is a real disappointment to me. He works as a hair dresser and has for fifeteen years. He is also gay and has several boyfriends. Well, I look on the bright side, from his boyfriends he got a new house, a new car and $100,000 in stock money.”
(Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol’ time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous.
“What do we do with our beers? We’re in trouble!”
“No,” the driver says, “just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking.”
So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick ’em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, “You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?”
The driver says, “Oh, no officer,” and points to his forehead, “we’re on the patch, trying to quit.”
(Still don’t recommend that anyone drink and drive. Take a cab, call a friend or use a designated driver!)