What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party?
They’re both out looking for a tight seal.
A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.
The barman says, “sorry we don’t serve snails” and throws him out.
A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says,”What did you do that for!?”
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again.
Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a beer and after drinking it he looks into his pocket.
The man responded, ” I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i’ll go home.”
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again but fell face first into the mud.
“Screw it,” he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.
“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly. “How did you know?”
“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”