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A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.
“Did you know,” says the cop, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

(Please do NOT drink and drive…that part isn’t funny. Just the noisy spouse…that part’s funny.)

***

A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says “You know… we have a drink named after you.” To which the grasshopper replies, “You have a drink named Bob?”

(That’s what he gets for going to T.G.I.Friday’s…)

***

A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says “That’ll be eight bucks.”
As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds, “You know… we don’t get many gorillas in here.”
To which the gorilla replies, “At eight bucks a beer, it’s no wonder…”

(Silly monkey!)

***

This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer. So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down.
The bartender says, “Hey, buddy whats your hurry?”
The man says, “If you had what I have, you would do the same thing.”
The bartender backs up and says, “What do you have?”
The man says, “About 75 cents!”

(I think I remember this guy from my bartending days.)

***

Four guys are sitting in a bar. One leaves to go to the bathroom. There are three guys left.
The guys start talking about their sons.
First guy says “I thought my son was going to be a dissapointment. He started out sweeping floors for Supercuts, But then he graduated from Stanford and became the owner of a car dealership and gives his best friend a free car for his birthday.”
Second guy says, “Yeah, I thought my son would be a dissapointment, too. It was almost the same exact thing that happened to my son to yours except he swept floors for a stock-broking company. Soon, however, he became the owner of that company and got his friend $100,000 in stock money for his birthday.”
Third guy says, “Wow, that was the same thing that happened to my son except he swept floors for a real estate agent. But soon he became the owner of this place and gave his best friend a house for his birthday.”
The fourth guy comes back from the bathroom.
The guys explain the the other guy what they were talking about and askes him if he could tell about his son. He agrees. “Well, my son is a real disappointment to me. He works as a hair dresser and has for fifeteen years. He is also gay and has several boyfriends. Well, I look on the bright side, from his boyfriends he got a new house, a new car and $100,000 in stock money.”

(Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

***

Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol’ time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous.
“What do we do with our beers? We’re in trouble!”
“No,” the driver says, “just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking.”
So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick ’em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, “You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?”
The driver says, “Oh, no officer,” and points to his forehead, “we’re on the patch, trying to quit.”

(Still don’t recommend that anyone drink and drive. Take a cab, call a friend or use a designated driver!)