The following are true conversations I’ve overheard or participated in.
Crawford Lake Inn, in Michigan is the scene, with a large dinner party on the deck overlooking a lake.
A man in a moustache is working on another Heineken Light, when a younger man in a college t-shirt starts talking to him, while drinking a PBR.
College dude: “Here … try one if you’ve never had it.”
Moustache: “Yeah, I’ve never had a PBR before.”
Moustache takes a cold bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon and drinks: “Hmmm … wow. That’s different.”
He pauses, considering the flavor.
Moustache:“It tastes like one of those stout beers.”
“Heineken? Fuck that shit! PABST BLUE RIBBON!” Dennis Hopper, Blue Velvet
A Minneapolis dive bar is the location, with live music, tasty burgers, and a wide variety of beers.
Two beer geeks are talking when another guy walks up, holding his beer and announces, “I’m a Communist.”
Geek #1: “You should talk to him.” He nods, indicating his companion.
Geek #2: “What the heck are you talking about, dude?”
Communist Guy: “We should all be Communists! Our system of government is completely unfair. Capitalism just doesn’t work.”
Geek #2: “Do you realize that the Miller High Life t-shirt that you’re wearing was made in a Chinese sweatshop by exploited workers?”
Communist guy looks down at his shirt.
Geek #2: “And that you’re drinking a Coors Light, which is made by a capitalist multi-national corporation, based primarily on advertising? Heck, they aren’t even a union shop.”
Communist Guy looks at his beer.
Communist Guy:“I don’t want to talk to you guys any more.”
Now we’re at a Grand Rapids downtown chain bar, with 24 tap handles. A beer geek is looking over the tap handles and is approached by a pushy sales woman, who has recently become a sales manager for the local Budweiser distribution house. She’s hovering over anyone at the bar—where she used to work, by the way—to buy a Bud or Bud Light. She’s not buying, just imploring them to buy her beer, now that she works there. She knows the beer geek from her previous employment has never consumed either of those beers.
Distributor Girl: “What are you looking for?”
Beer Geek: “I’m just deciding what beer I want to have.”
Distributor Girl: “Why don’t you buy one of our beers?”
Beer Geek: “Well, honestly, you guys don’t carry any good beer.”
Distributor Girl, with attitude: “We have ‘hef-e-weezen’ [sic]!”
Beer Geek: “Um, sorry, but that’s not really a hefe-weizen and I don’t care for it.”
Distributor Girl: “Oh, it’s a great beer … and it’s unfiltered!”
Beer Geek, now getting annoyed: “Really? Do you even know what ‘unfiltered’ means? What exactly is the part that’s not filtered?”
Distributor Girl, with sudden look of panic: “Umm … it means … that the beer, is, you know, unfiltered during the brewing process.”
Beer Geek:“Listen, I’m just minding my own business here. Don’t start talking to me about your beer sales nonsense unless you know what the heck you’re talking about. Go ask your brand manager what is ‘unfiltered’ and then tell me all about Widmer.”
“I never met a pub I didn’t like.” Pete Slosberg, founders of Pete’s Brewing Company
I just walked in to a Chicago area brewpub, where I was regular for a time, and approached the bar. I order the latest seasonal when another patron walks up.
Patron: “I’ll have a Bud Light.”
Bartender: “I’m sorry, but we’re a brewpub and brew our own beer here. We don’t carry Bud Light. Would you like to try one of our beers?”
Patron: “Do you have anything that taste’s like Bud Light?”
Bartender: “The Silver is our lightest beer, but I can make you a light version of that.”
Patron: “OK, that sounds great.”
The Bartender turns back to the bar and the handles. I can see what he’s doing, but the Patron cannot. The bartender fills the pint glass about 1/3 with soda water, looks back at me, and then tops it off with their lightest ale. The Bartender sees me laugh.
He brings the pint back to the bar, where the patron pays him the exact amount.
Patron: “Hey, this beer is great! Thanks.”
Bartender: “No sweat.”
The patron turns and walks away.
The Bartender gives me a smile: “Well, there’s your next pint. What’ll you have?”
“People who drink light ‘beer’ don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot.” Anonymous